Gotta get me some

Ya know, I'm all for saving the planet, hugging a tree, not wearing fur, protecting wildlife and saving the animals.

But activist who get their panties in a wad due to Trolli Road Kill Candy can lick my hairy sack.

I found it fucking hilarious! They come complete with tire tracks!

New Crop of Bumperstickers

I've got a perfect body.
But it's in the trunk and it's starting to smell.

Breast Inspection 20 feet ahead.
Please have 'em out.

I'm hung like Einstein.
Smart as a horse.

Take your Ex out tonight.
One bullet ought to do it.

I'm busy. You're ugly.
Have a nice day.

Drugs lead nowhere.
But it's the scenic route!

Are you having phone sex,
Or do you always drive that way?

Can't feed 'em?
Don't breed 'em.

I child proofed my house.
But they still get in.

I brake for....
OH SHIT! NO BRAKES!!!

Can't spell 'Crap'
Without 'RAP'

Take revenge.
Shit on a pigeon.

If money is the root of all evil,
why do churches BEG for it?

Guns don't kill people.
Drivers on cellphones do.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop brightideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

I can't resist these....

A Blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all commited the same crime. They all killed somebody and were going to be executed.

The redhead get's up there and they say "Ready, Aim, any last words?" She said "Hurricane!" They looked and she ran.

They say well, that's just one person. The Brunette get's up there and they say "Ready, aim, any last words?" the brunette says "Tornado!" They looked and she ran.

They say well, that's just two. The blonde get's up there and they say "Ready,aim, any last words?" She says "Fire!" and they shot her.

Tale of the Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the counter. "How much for the bronze rat?", he asked.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story", the owner said.

The tourist gave the shop owner twelve dollars.

"I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying the rat, he soon noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster.

But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, but looking back he saw that the rats now numbered in the millions, were squealing ever louder, and coming toward him faster and faster.

Now scared, he broke into a run, then a full Olympic sprint to the edge of the Bay where he threw the bronze rat as far out as he could muster. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and they all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop.

"Aha!", said the owner. "You've come back for the story!"

"No", said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

School Lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."

Pirates of Stuffenpants

If I had seen this when I was at Disneyland as a kid......

Stolen Borrowed from this man:

I'm a Trendy City Faggot! I am better than you. My clothing is better, I am more sophisticated, I smell better, taste better, look better, and feel better. What’s more, I snigger into my macchiato at other faggot stereotypes, because they are all so tragically simple. God why can’t I get laid?

What kind of Faggot are you?
Brought to you by Pushing Through

Debra or Jack

The boss was in a quandary, he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

Feb 2 was Groundhog Day AND the State of the Union Address.....

It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication

-- and the other involves a groundhog.

In honor of Valentines Day coming up....

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot.
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that bag from off your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love , you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Dear Dr. Ruth,

Dear Dr. Ruth,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don't quite understand it. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot and is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

___________

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for four more years.