OH how I love this type of humor

Tacky. But who gives a damn.

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

---

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

---

Ok another Fart Joke, because...well they make me giggle. Yes, I'm 5 years old:

Farts With Lumps
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants".

Another Easter Joke....

Three blondes died & found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the kingdom, they had to tell him what the meaning of Easter was.

So, the 1st blonde said: "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast & we give thanks & eat turkey."

St. Peter said "Noooooo," & he banished her to hell.

The 2nd blonde said: "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birthday & exchange gifts."

St. Peter said "Noooooo," & he banished her to hell.

The 3rd blond said: "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His deciples when He was betrayed by Judas, & the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on a cross & eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..."

Impressed, St. Peter said: "Verrrrry good!"

Then the blonde continued "...now every year the Jews roll away the boulder & Jesus comes out. If He sees His shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

More Michael Jackson Fodder

HEE!.....OOWW!

North or South

My personal score?: 60% (Dixie). Barely into the Dixie category.

Neither here nor there. It's what I get for growing up in the midwest and living in Dallas for ten years.

What's your score?

Hoppy Easter

Just a tad early, but anyhoo....

You can't help from laughing and possibly tapping your toes.

Don't say I didn't warn you

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed, but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past the Finkelstein shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus." After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited but ultimately fruitful, and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

LORD & TAYLOR

So wrong...

A safer place for children...

Now we know where the term "dirty rat" came from

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Doctor Dick

Dear Doctor Dick,
There are little bumps or pimples - something like that - under my dick. Is it because of jacking off or is it a disease? I am a virgin. But I don't want my girlfriend to know I got this thing or anybody else. What should I do?

TW
March 22

Doctor Dick replies:

Nothing. They're called testicles.

I say I say I say!!!!

Bad credit? Bankruptcy? Divorce?

NO PROBLEM!!!

Never thought I would say this

My mantra use to be, The Hairier, The Better! when it came to my men.

But there's a fine line and this man just crossed it.

You won't believe this....

I'm completely speachless.

Great Religious Truths.

1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

I even get submissions sent to me

Sent to me by Miss Scheherazade:

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper:

"F**k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush Senior to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!" Chandrashekhari jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!" and Chandrashekhar said quietly,"George Bush,Iraq, 2004.

Very insightful test.

Check it out.

Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four worms into four jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of semen.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead

Second worm in smoke - dead

Third worm in semen - dead

Fourth worm in good, clean soil - Alive

The minister asked the congregation -- "What can we learn from this demonstration?"

A little old lady in the back quickly raised her hand and said:

"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms.