People amaze me every day

Oh sure, she doesn't have anything to worry about other then an arm growing out of her baby's head.

I knew I liked to have lots of sex for a reason

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
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2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
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3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
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4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
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5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
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6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
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7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
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8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
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9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
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10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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Differnce between Men and Women

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

I'll be Forty soon...

Many of us "old folks" (those 40 and over) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last but not least,
13. Thongs and Depends

For you dog lovers

Top Ten Dog Peeves about humans:

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons... now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! WhooooHoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???... Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!!

You Don't See Me Picking
Up Your Poop Do You?

THE PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?

Remember Schoolhouse Rock?

How about something for THIS day and age.

Enjoy!!

Driving in Dallas!

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-US, not DAL-ISS.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on and pray". There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline". . . which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, so we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth."

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. PERIOD.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road. . . all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the South end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave. K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman, TX.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.

If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.

LBJ Freeway is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap".

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is Spring, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If it is Fall, the Texas State Fair is going on.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his 'yard', run over him.

All amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

With these simple rules in mind you are now ready to drive in Dallas.

Please try and keep up.

Ouch

Ben Affleck goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...you're a cunt."

Oh no he didn't....

Do you think the husband or boyfriend just showed up?