A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a Canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's Management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering Manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give The 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as Bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them...

Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensation.

Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at
The top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because They are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, They sometimes take the apples from the ground that Aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with Them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have To wait for the right man to come along, the one who Is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the Tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as Grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of Them until they turn into something acceptable to have
Dinner with.

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963

WEEK ONE

Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK TWO

Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK THREE

Beans al fresca
Thin-sliced Bacon
Hazelnut Coffee
Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR

Beans en salade
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE

Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX

Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Organic Eggs
Spanish Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Crushed Walnuts
Arugula
Clarified Butter
Extra Virgin Olive oil
Pure Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
Large tin Crisco

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,

"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly, "So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"